Which direction do you choose to follow in your life?

For a long time, I realized disconnected from things that were important to me, to be specific since I was 13 years old did not feel close to the things that made sense in my life. Some experiences experienced in my childhood and adolescence generated in me insecurity, fear, disability and uncertainty of who I really were. For a moment I felt capable and at other times I was catching for thoughts of disability, defeat and uncertainty. And it's okay to come across these thoughts, but the only way I dealt with them was fusing me to them and letting them say who I really was. Given this, I often left these thoughts to guide me and move to the opposite side of what was really important to me, letting them paralyze me and see me lost in which direction to go.

Due to these thoughts, I spent a lot of time from my life without being able to express my opinions in public. So I said yes in several situations that I would like to have said, I put my wishes and desires to meet the needs of others in the background, ran away from evaluation situations by others, and allowed toxic relationships to be part of my life. The point is that these behaviors, in my view, helped me dodge painful emotions, providing an escape from the difficult feelings that aroused in me. However, I followed by feeling a lot of anxiety, because I saw myself away from the important things to me and, consequently, far from the direction of life I wanted to follow.

Taking care of my health, having an active life and being satisfied with myself, have always been very important questions in my life, although for a long time I've been distant from them all. Two years ago, for aesthetic and health reasons, I sought a sport that would meet my needs at that time, CrossFit. In the first class, I realized these thoughts coming up in my inner world, "You are not capable of, you are very complex for your level, it's hard, you can't do difficult activities." This time I decided not to fuse myself, I didn't want them to take me back to the opposite direction of what I wanted, I didn't allow them to decide for me what I would or not do. So I decided to make the decision that approached what it is and was always valuable to me. Starting CrossFit approached me a very important value, care for my physical and psychological health.

It's been two years since I practice this sport, along this journey I follow with these thoughts, but I do not prevent them. I realize every time they are with me and kindly let them come and leave when they want. Although these thoughts continue to generate discomfort, I keep exercising this sport because it enables me to connect with what is important and brings me closer to my values. Through trust, courage, sense of belonging that CrossFit gives me, I feel every day closer to life that, for me, is worth living.

CrossFit is not a solution to all questions, I still need to make more movements to approach other values that are also important, but it gives me a focus on here and now, confidence in my potential, courage, health and feeling of conquest. Conquest, for each day I keep evolving and living with these thoughts that are still present, but observing them as part of the experience and not as if they defined who I truly I am. And you, do you notice making movements to go looking for what is important, even if it generates unpleasant emotions?

This text is authored by the CEFI Contextus - Maria Eduarda Ramalho

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