Observing loneliness

These days I felt alone, it was one of those days when I was so tired that the last thing I wanted was to socialize. My social battery was exhausted and I knew that calling someone to talk or leave would just make me more worn, and I couldn't be truly present with the person. So I decided to be alone. In this, I realized that even unintentionally, I have the impulse to try to fix loneliness “Isn't it good to call someone? So let's read a book, let's see a series. ” I noticed that I was constantly looking for something to distract me from that feeling. I realized, with some sadness, that I actively tried to be open to the experience of connecting with other people, but I was not open to feeling the loneliness that seemed unpleasant. So I set out to look at her.

It was not the first time I sought to understand this feeling curiously, but around and then a return to the attempts to get out of this feeling. I seek to adopt a mindfulness posture in my life, to be full and present in each experience. And with this proposal to notice my loneliness, I realized how I feel various types of loneliness. Which is sometimes a loneliness in which I feel more disconnected from myself, at other times it is more because there is no one around, or because no one in the world could understand me, or even for feeling alone with people. And I feel several other types of loneliness, each being a different experience with other related issues. Some more intense, some less. Some with a tone of sadness, longing, hopelessness or even anger. Sometimes I feel like a pressure on my chest, or throat, or totally as if I were inside my own head. Over time, and at times the loneliness came, I got to know more, I could understand what loneliness is like for me, or "the solidions." I understood that I have different thoughts and impulses for each of them, and as I need different things or people in each. Even, as in some of them I need nothing, simply let the loneliness come and recognize it. 

This last time, it was one of those types of loneliness that I didn't need anything but to get a little with that feeling. Understanding what I found unpleasant, what was so afraid of me that I often tried to do different things to pass. Realize your fluctuations throughout the day, sometimes more intense, sometimes less intense. I looked at her until, at a time, I noticed that she was no longer there. 

Attempt to curiosity with sensations that are often unpleasant is not easy. Trying just to understand, without necessarily fixing or looking for something to distract me, it's not easy. Even so, it makes sense to me. It makes sense to connect with experiences, whether pleasant or unpleasant, and be really present in life. It makes sense for me to look at myself, what I feel, and understand how I feel every thing. It makes sense to pay attention to sensations and identify what each one tries to say that I need at the moment or signaling what things mean to me. 

Feelings say a lot, it's like a language that tries to inform us things, but we are not always open to listening. To look at them is to look at ourselves, our relationship with us, with others, with the world. And living a more conscious and present life includes being open to experiences, whatever they may be.  

How is your loneliness? Where do you feel her? What feelings and thoughts come together? When was the last time you came to truly feel her? When did you try to look curiously at loneliness without trying to avoid or fix it? And this is my invitation to you today, trying to try your loneliness.

This text is authored by the member of the Cefi Contextus team - Mariana Sanseverino Dillenburg