The white elephant

Having difficult conversations is one of the biggest challenges of relationships and this week, after locking some of these dreaded dialogues, I began to question why. I remembered Broné Brown with his brilliant research on vulnerability. Being vulnerable in front of someone else scares. Being stripped of certain barriers that we impose invisibly to protect ourselves from others - and ourselves - brings a sense of insecurity that often undermines this movement of saying what needs to be said.

At the same time I reflected on this aspect, I remembered every time I let this fear overcome me completely and didn't touch the subject. I allowed the “elephant” to feel comfortably on the living room couch, while the other person in question was squeezed one in every corner, trying to accommodate that discomfort anyway, or simply pretending to ignore it.

contrary to what you might think, the “elephant” did not disappear. It grew more and more and, proportionally, the space for spontaneity diminished, irritability increased (because after all an elephant that increases in size is quite uncomfortable!). The relationship was weakening, balancing on a tightrope.

The times I faced this emptiness in the stomach's mouth and decided to gather all the courage to be imperfect (as I would say Breneé), revealing my insecurities, needs and feelings to someone else, the whole thing went differently. A thousand thoughts walked through my mind: possible outcomes (mostly bad), several phrases that I could hear and directions that the relationship could take. Would this person avoid me? Would you break any communication?

But the moment I gave the words so often rehearsed, I noticed a sense of importance in this action. Even though it's hard, I knew I was doing something that approached me to who I wanted to be. A certain sense of pride grew inside me.

The effect of many of these conversations, to my big surprise, was the increase of the connection. Allowing this moment of vulnerability, I made room for the other person to put themselves in that same place with me and lower the guard.

I can say that even when these conversations did not go to a place of welcome, they gave the busy I needed in that relationship, or even in my life. They approached my values and brought awareness of what was really important to me at that moment, what I really valued, and where I was going. Even when the other person's result or response was not the one I would like.

At the very least, my self -awareness increased what I really wanted. In some cases, they pushed me away from people who didn't approach the path I would like to walk. Anyway, difficult conversations are acts of courage, and that is often what separates the person you are being, from the person you want to be.

This text is authored by the CEFI Contextus - Marina de Almeida Nery

team.