Validation, an ability to accept

I have experienced an incredible experience; Coordinate DBT skills training for parents and family members with emotional deregulation. And in this work validation has been the central theme because it mobilizes and co-responsible all involved. Know how to listen, understand, welcome and mainly control the impulse of advising and solving the other problem is a constant challenge.

The impulse of every father or family is to prevent the child from feeling pain and frustration (I already had this impulse of action many times), which is very natural, since they are usually the most important people of our lives. However, here is the first mistake, for what is more effective is to help our children train tolerance to pain or malaise, help them strengthen the "emotional musculature". Like? With lots of practice and skill exercise. As we do when we go to the Academy to strengthen our muscles, one time is not enough, we need to persist, with discipline, determination and a lot of experimentation.

For this to happen, it is important to create a favorable, hosting, acceptance and opening context. Understanding that everyone is doing their best who can, everyone wants to improve and everyone needs to strive to achieve the desired changes or goals. And it is precisely of this dialectic between acceptance and change that treats dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).

Therefore, when we are talking about acceptance, we speak of mindfulness and validation skills, a challenge in this environmental and family environment, because the troubleshooting impulse jumps on the front, often without considering the dialectic, which, to < In> Change , it is necessary accept and vice versa. That's why mindfulness skills, stop and lots of breathing help a lot at the beginning of learning and validation practices.

When we are practicing validation, we open space for dialogue and fostering communication. Validation builds confidence, as the experience of having someone listening and accepts the expression of your emotions generates intimacy in the bond. Validation generates self-esteem and decreases the insulation feeling, we accompany the emotional pain of the other and we can tolerate a little more. Validation encourages to experience and accept feelings, for acceptance of emotions is a way of not adding more suffering to existing pain. The validation low emotional activation, because there is someone there who listens, understands, does not deny and does not ignore or assume that the other is wrong. In conclusion, validation is a deep act of acceptance of emotional responses, an exercise of observation, empathy and full attention.

Validate is not giving, praising, consoling or offering solutions. It is not necessary to understand or understand what someone is feeling to validate. It is enough to accept what someone is feeling. It is not necessary to know the reasons that led it to the current emotional state. It is not necessary to agree or disagree with the perceptions of someone to validate. You do not have to react to a situation the same way someone to validate. The emotional response of each person is always valid. However, it does not validate what is invalid. What is always valid? The emotions that the person feels. What is not valid or rarely is? Lies, illogical arguments, threats or excessive requests, violent ducts (insult, hit, break objects).

And in this dance of relations between parents and children it is possible to build a better future, towards a life that is worth living.

Text written by the psychologist and member of the Core Contextus, Vanessa Stechow.