Stay in love: the challenge for the whole couple.

Staying in love: the challenge for the whole couple.

So, it's Valentine's Day! Day to celebrate love, romance, desire, meeting, falling in love, passion.

For some couples it is something alive, real and present. For others, a pleasant memory lost in time, memories kept in yellowish photographs, pure nostalgia amid so many other everyday impositions.

If falling in love is something to be celebrated, or a “sweet memory”, I think everyone agrees that it is something to look for and cultivate in our lives. After all, who doesn't like or would like to feel in love again?

I propose to start with a pass in the dictionary. He is not exactly poetic, but he is assertive, certain, a good starting point for a reflection of meaning.

“Na.mo.rar (verb.trans.dir, trans.indir.e intrans): Having a loving relationship with someone. Desire to own; to insistently look at something; covet. Seek to inspire love in someone; woo; demonstrate affective interest; to be enchanted or enchanted by something or someone. ”

When we plan to make a cake or that special dish we usually look for a recipe. Likewise, the brief query in the dictionary (re) reminds us of the basic ingredients of falling in love: “desire”, “look”, “inspire love”, “courte”, “show interest”, “enchant”.

In the dating phase the relationship seems lighter and less demanding. It is time to get to know each other, to discover oneself, to impress others, to create bonds, to generate trust, to show complicity and understanding. Season of adventures, news, mystery, surprises. Caresses, caresses, cinema, kisses on the mouth. Passion. A torrent of emotions. Intense energy. And sex, much more sex.

But why does dating and passion often disappear in long relationships?

We turn to the ingredients of the cake: Where did the desire go? How is our “look”, for ourselves and for the partner? What inspires us? What do we demonstrate to the other? What enchants us, and what “in us” enchants?

And speaking of desire and sex, why do many couples hardly have sex anymore, even if they say they love each other? Intriguing the question: Why, even after sexual liberation, do modern couples complain about loss of sexual desire?

Psychologists and sex therapists wonder how to reconcile eroticism and domesticity in long relationships. It has always been attributed to the lack of time alone for the couple or communication problems. In fact, many modern couples, even young ones, complain about decreased libido and justify the end of eroticism with a list of sexual alibis. They are too busy, stressed, and too tired to have sex. Of all the phases of the sexual response, desire is the most sensitive to the rupture of the couple's bond and connection.

This is the subject addressed by the book “Sex in Captivity”, by Esther Perel. The author brings in her work the discussion of how to feed desire in long relationships, emphasizing the importance of bringing news, adventure and mystery to the relationship. Esther also talks about how to rekindle the desire and the paradox that surrounds the nature of love and eroticism. Love and desire do not always occur at the same time, since the ingredients that nourish love do not always nurture erotic passion. Security and passion are different human needs and have different origins. Desire is driven by mystery, fantasy and imagination, not by demands or negotiation. We all need security, stability and continuity. But we also need newness and passion, forces that generate life and make it vibrant. This is a great read that deals with the reality of couples in a clear and understandable way.

The whole couple goes through phases of decreased desire and eroticism. Life is a continuous movement, a continuous transformation of relationships. When the sense of movement is lost or distorted, unrealistic expectations remain. As adults, we become aware of these changes in the life cycle, its challenges and the maturity necessary to adapt to each new stage. It is a daily choice, therefore, to follow and accept the challenge of investing in the relationship with the same dedication with which we strive in other areas of life.

Cultivating desire in marriage is, therefore, like cultivating a “secret garden”, a space only for the couple, a sacred space of intimacy and pleasure. In this space the boyfriends from before are kept alive and well nourished. A space of desires, interested looks, demonstrations of affection, inspiration and enchantment. I also usually call it “play-ground”, a space for playfulness, joy, fun. It cannot miss the element of surprise and attention is focused on the “here-and-now”, and on the sensations awakened.

It is possible to be eternal lovers of our partners when attentive to the basic ingredients, when we nurture genuine interest, loving care, and attentive gaze. It is possible when we take care of the garden, when we remain connected and we have a secure bond in the other, a source of stability and security, but also a source of pleasure and satisfaction. It is possible when we recognize the dichotomy that exists between love and sex, not as if they were opposites, but that complement each other in emotionally mature couples.

In this recipe you can't miss the icing on the cake, poetry:

“Love is thought, theorem

Love is a novel

Sex is cinema

Sex is imagination, fantasy

Love is prose

Sex is poetry ”

Love and Sex (Rita Lee)

Michelli Osanai - CRM 22806: Gynecologist and Sexologist; Coordinator of the Edusex Center of CEFI