Mourning - How To Overcome Loss?

Death is one of the greatest experiences of helplessness that human beings can live, and we will all go through it. Death doesn't plan with us, doesn't ask if it can come. It simply comes, abrupt or soft. Within a developmental cycle that we try to set as the norm (being born, developing, aging, dying) or disrupting this order that was never guaranteed. We don't know when it will be our turn or who is important to us. Getting acquainted or just getting in touch with this subject can change the way we live, view our daily lives and connect with what really matters in our lives.

Is it possible to adapt to a significant loss?

Losses have different meanings for each person. This meaning is influenced by countless aspects such as culture, beliefs, social vision, relationship with who died, previous experiences, life history and so many other factors. Each one suffers in their own way and their measure. There is no measurement for the pain of a loss. It is not possible to compare one loss with another. The worst loss is always the one that hits us, and only the bereaved person can define their degree of suffering. And this equation points to why some losses are perceived as "irreparable" for some people.

Each one knows what your irreparable loss is, because it will be the one that will have the most impact on your life, the greatest influence it will have on the way you see the world and sometimes the way you stand in the face of everyday facts. It is noteworthy that the loss of a pet, an idol, an accident of great impact or the end of a love relationship can also be experienced as a mourning of great intensity, although they are often trivialized or socially invalidated losses.

John Bowlby, a renowned British researcher, developed the so-called 'Attachment Theory'. From a large longitudinal study, described how the first affective contacts between the baby and its main caregiver (usually the mother) are determinant for the quality of relationship formation, especially in the aspect of trust and security. According to Bowlby, the way the relationship of "Attachment" is established creates a basis that defines possible forms of positioning in the face of frustration, fear, recognition, achievement ... and also death.

Attachment evolves into bonding, which can be described as a bond of love, trust, exchange of affection that happens without a specific motive or explicit need. Thus, the more stable the attachment base, the easier it is to form and maintain lifelong bonds. Attachment theory helps us understand that death (or the end of a relationship) deprives us of living with the departed person, however, does not prevent us from continuing to love this person strongly, and it is this love that now finds no resonance, that causes suffering and that needs to be re-signified so that whoever stayed can have a life dignified, stable and healthy.

The response to a loss is called grief and is characterized as an expected and inevitable time of coping and adapting to the loss. Grief begins with the breaking of the bond of love or even before it happens, when this reality is still a remote possibility (long illnesses). It is a multidimensional process that involves emotional, physical, social and cognitive aspects.
Mourning is succeeded by various feelings that mingle and oscillate in an unorganized way that can destabilize the bereaved person. Recognition and the possibility of getting in touch with emotions allows us to find ways to deal with the pain of loss and the challenges that arise in this process.
It is not possible to determine a time for grief, as it depends greatly on the the kind of bond that has been broken, the psychic condition of the bereaved person, the support network that counts, and the willingness to invest in life after the loss. However, it can be observed that the most critical period is usually the first year. During this period, there are a number of adjustments and adaptations to a different life, as well as the challenges of spending the first birthday, Christmas and other significant dates without the person. It is worth noting that the bereaved person is not ill, is ill. suffering. Sadness is not depression, it is sadness - and it has its manifestation in crying, lamentation, repetition, pain, discomfort, doubt, insomnia, inappetence. However, research indicates that around 10 to 20% of bereaved people are at risk of developing complicated grief, with careful assessment and sometimes even more specific therapeutic and / or drug intervention being indicated. These resources should be offered by expert professionals who are skilled and able to make an accurate diagnosis.
How to help and help you in a losing situation?
Being honest in your feelings and accepting the different ways to live in mourning.
Observing the main daily difficulties (personal life, work, studies, etc.).
Don't overlook your feelings, your pain, the longing, the fear, the meaninglessness .. .
Seek help when the pain seems unbearable. This help can be medical, spiritual, psychological, so give people a chance to access their pain. Be aware that it is not always possible to understand another's pain, but it is always possible to respect it. /> Talk whenever possible about what happened. Repeating is part of crafting grief. Tell the people who matter to you how you feel. Friends cannot guess when they are helping or disrupting.
When noticing risks in your behavior, such as doing things you did not do carelessly, especially speeding, drinking, medicines, sleep, food, etc., and also in faults - lack of appetite, sleep, mood, etc. ask for help. These sometimes unconscious behaviors indicate that you need to be careful. Accept help. Is it possible to overcome and follow life? The grieving process could be called the life process. It is a time to reestablish connections, review position, experience suffering and allow yourself to get out of it. Remember that grief is not just a time of overcoming, people are not to be overcome or forgotten. There is no way. Grief can be a process of transforming sadness and acute pain into lighter feelings and affection.
The scar of loss will always be part of your story, it is healthy that it does not bleed all the time. It's part of you, but it doesn't have to be bigger than you stopping you from moving on.
The grieving process involves repositioning love for someone without physical presence. Yes, it is possible to resume your life with this brand. It will not be as before, there is no way to restore what was lost, but this does not mean that the present tense has to be worse than the past. Remember - it's different.

Ana Maria Dall´Agnese and Adriana Zilberman