Action opposite to love

What does "oppose love action" mean? Before explaining this concept, arising from the skill training of Marsha Linehan's dialectical behavioral therapy, I invite you to think about what would be for you a “coherent action” with love. What do you do when you love someone? What makes you want to do? How do you treat who you love and how it is treated by those who love you? Like the person you love 'if you know' loved by you? Of course, each person's answer to these questions will depend on their learning repertoire, that is, the things they have learned from the significant people of their lives throughout their history, how it was experiencing the experiences of what was building as love .

In the book “DBT Skills Training: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Manual for the patient”, it is found that “love (…) It fits the facts of a situation whenever: a) Loving a person, animal or object increases the quality of life for you or those that are important to you. B) Loving a person, animal or object increases their chances of achieving their personal goals (…) (p.237). Let us return to the title and beginning of this text - what is action opposite to love? It is one of the emotional regulatory skills, indicated to be used when emotion love does not fit into facts or when acting lovingly is not effective.

The first reading may seem weird to act in the opposite way to what we are feeling, since we know the importance of knowing and validating our emotions. And we will follow this! All we feel is valid, we do not choose what we will feel, we choose what to do with what we feel, since always responding according to emotion does not necessarily lead us to a significant life. When we feel angry, for example, our impetus of action is to act aggressively, which generally won't be effective. So feel is free, we have no control, the action we take with what we feel is where we have management.

The ability of action opposite love will be very useful, for example, when a person in a toxic love relationship, realizes that significant losses for your life. A relationship in which the approach of the beloved (toxic) has a relief in the short term (of loneliness, for example), but brings sadness, violence and other negative consequences in the medium and long term. This is an example of a typical situation in which working action opposite action is very useful and necessary.

Some examples of action opposite to love would be: avoid the person, animal or object, distracting themselves from thoughts in the other person, animal or object , remember yourself why love is not justified (…). At first it may seem very incoherent to act against love, such a nice feeling to feel, however, when we follow harsh stories and understand contexts in which supposedly loving relationships act as emotional, physical and others violence, acting “against love” or "Action opposite to love" for the other becomes acting with love to oneself.

Reference:

Linehan, Marsha. (2018). DBT Skill Training: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Manual for the patient. Porto Alegre: Artmed.