June 12: Valentine's Day and Psychological Flexibility

A special day because it promotes love… maybe a difficult day because it promotes love… Or love in the way it is transmitted in the present times: 'In a good relationship people are happy, they feel happy, the Partner is also happy, family and friends are happy for their happiness, even the dog could not be happier! '(Walser, 2016).

But what happens when, when you take your eyes off the virtual world, look sideways and do not see what you dreamed? And when things are not so good because it is someone else's fault, because you do not speak clearly what you think, do nothing to change the routine, get out of control, seem mentally ill and not up to it. follow a good reasoning ... No, definitely, the partner is not realizing all the evil that is related ... Just him / her?

Let's assume this is going to be the reality of the next five years, and it won't change. But still you choose to be together. The same problems, the same impasses, the same fights? What really matters to the couple? How would the relationship still with these problems? What's more, who would you be in this period? Are you the partner you would like to be?

Good relations are not about happiness, but about vitality, the manifestation of life! This means that you and your partner will feel anxiety, you will feel sadness, pain, anger and even fear. This means that you and your partner will feel love, joy, security and pleasure ... Ah! And in a few moments, happiness!

Relationships bring more suffering when you avoid feeling all that life brings, happiness and pain, ease and obstacles. Thus, there are multiple meanings in the couple's relationship: what is in the present, the thoughts, the context, the history of each other, the emotions. Through psychological flexibility, the couple could do what works, instead of disputing reasons, could commit to actions, instead of emotional control, could accept reality as it is, without waiting for the other to be. as you would wish. When you see things as they really are, you can make choices. And if this is still the person we choose, we can take action toward love, compassion, patience, connection, tolerance for malaise, thanksgiving, and balancing one's self-care. a.

After the awareness of choice, the big question follows: In the face of the things that are important in married life, what are you willing to do to be closer to the partner you want to be? Maybe this answer is the best Valentine's Day gift!

Mara Lins: Psychologist; PhD Student in Clinical Psychology - UNISINOS; Master in Social Psychology-PUCRS; Couple and Family Therapist, Teacher, Supervisor and Director of CEFI.