When disappointment generates the sense of betrayal: a look from IBCT

In love relationships, the vulnerability of connecting deeply with each other involves an expectation of care, validation and safety. When we make room for the bond, we trust that the partnership will not cause us intentionally. When this expectation is violated, the emotional impact can be lived as a true betrayal.

Disappointment as an expectation rupture

From the perspective of Couple Integrative Behavioral Therapy (IBCT), disappointments are not only “individual failures”, but events that occur within a relational context. The perception that our partnership does not correspond to what we imagined or does not meet our needs can activate previous learning stories, associated with abandonment, rejection or devaluation. These episodes are particularly painful when they touch existing emotional vulnerabilities, reactivating old patterns of suffering.

Polarization dance

At IBCT, we describe the process of climbing conflicts as a “relational dance”. Faced with a disappointment lived as betrayal, the initial reaction is usually protective: removal, silence, less emotional availability or, on the contrary, attacks and intense criticism.

The partnership that feels wounded may lose faith in the relationship; The partnership identified as a "offender" may be resentful of feeling that it will never be forgiven or seen as someone reliable. This cycle is feedless and maintains both polarized, making it difficult to constructive changes.

Acceptance and Change: Two complementary paths

IBCT proposes two great strategies:

• Acceptance : expanding understanding of the limitations of partnership, that what it does is not a “malevolent trait” of your personality, develop empathy for your story and learn to live with inevitable differences without turning each flaw into a personal attack.
• Change : Seek new interaction patterns, favoring open communication, expression of needs clearly and the construction of practical solutions to everyday problems.

The combination of these two strategies allows you to get out of stiffness and create space for a more flexible relationship, with greater emotional connection and less resentment.

Reflections for self -responsibility

Some questions can help in the acceptance and change process:

• How do you react when you realize the limitations of my partnership?
• What internal stories did I build on who does it really be?
• What can I do, in here and now, to interrupt polarization and create a different interaction?

Anyway…

When viewed in IBCT light, disappointments and the sense of betrayal are no longer just signs of failure and can be opportunities for relational growth. The invitation is to recognize pain without denying it, but also not to remain imprisoned in it. After all, accepting limitations and, at the same time, investing in possible changes is the way to restore confidence, reduce polarization and build a better, committed, living relationship.